My nan is a woman who gets right to the point and doesn’t sugarcoat anything.
Small talk is for the weak.
Apparently, my nan’s verbal abuse seems to amuse my friends to no end so here is a collection of some of her most *interesting* lines.
1. Me: How was your day?
Nan: I did a poo and now I’m waiting to die.
2. Me: Hey nan, who’s your favourite grandchild?
Nan: Your brother.
3. Nan: How old are you again, Queenie?
Me: How old do you think I am?
Nan: You must be pushing 40 now, right?
4. Nan: Where are you working now?
Me: I’m just working part time at a restaurant at the moment.
Nan: You shouldn’t be waitressing, you won’t earn enough.
Me: I’ve got some interviews for teaching jobs this week.
Nan: You shouldn’t teach either. I know a guy who committed suicide after teaching.
5. Nan: Are you dating anyone at the moment?
Me: Not at the moment.
Nan: Well, you better hurry up. No one will want you once you turn 30.
6. Nan: Why is your wallet so big? You never have any money in it.
7. You’ve all heard the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”
My nan prefers to use, “It’s raining dog shit.”
8. My aunt (to my uncle): Why are you taking your rucksack to the toilet with you?
Nan: He’s probably going to do cocaine.
9. While watching a cooking program on TV where people from the public try a celebrity chef’s food…
Nan: Of course they’re going to say it’s good. I bet they’d say it’s good even if the food was so salty that they couldn’t even recognise their mum after eating it.
10. Nan (watching another cooking program on TV): You idiots, you don’t need to put that much water in with the noodles. If you sold that in a restaurant, it would shut down. I could do a much better job.
11. Auntie: What are you eating?
12. I showed nan this picture of my mum to show them how similar they looked.
Nan: Your mum doesn’t look like me. She looks a bit retarded.
14. Phoning my nan…
Me: Hey, nan.
Nan: Who’s this?
Me: Your second favourite grandchild.
Nan: Oh, hey Queenie.
I hope this made you smile or at least become 110% sassier.